Happy despite

Happiness.

I didn't really know what it felt like, not for a while. Not for a very long time. It's the middle of the week, a Wednesday, two more days of work before the weekend. I shouldn't be happy. Just a month ago, I would not be happy. I'd be dreading the next day, the long hours in the greenhouse where I work. What changed, in just one month? Why am I different? Is it me that is different?

I should be miserable. Broke up with my boyfriend of over a year, in just a month ago. I was miserable, so very heartbroken. It only hurt once today....But I'm still happy. Despite that.

So maybe I'm not so much happy because of something? I'm happy despite.

I'm happy despite this not being where I imagined myself. Where am I? Working 5 days a week, moderate to hard physical labour. In all weathers. Two jobs, both part-time. It's really hard work. Some days I hate it. Other days I love it. My evenings are filled with lazing around, or admiring the beauty of our property. My weekends are free to fill or leave empty as I wish. I look to the future, and I see a whole lot of nothing. I have no set in stone plans, just time to kill, I suppose. Or time to make something, have experiments. Maybe I'll make something of myself? (cue melodramatic cellos)

A year ago, my plan was to go to college, get my degree, wait for my boyfriend to finish his, then we'd marry and go on our merry way. I knew this would take a while and I was glad about that; I felt secure in the knowledge that the next few years of my life were neatly put into this little box. (now that I think on it, it was almost creepy how tidy my life looked)

Then a huge emotional explosion happened mid-semester, and my box fell apart. I questioned. What the hell was I doing? Did I honestly want more schooling? The answer, of course, was NO. School was wrong for me, very very wrong. Then later down the road my eyes were opened to who my boyfriend was, and I was like 'OH HELL NO'. (specifics in another post)

                                                                   Story of my life
So now I'm here, boxless, yet happy. Happy despite my structured, organized life being blown to bits. Maybe I'm happy because I get to break the mold, that I get to determine my own future (or let it determine itself). I can make new plans, my own plans. Be my own master (of sorts). And that is exciting.

                                                       It's about this exciting.

Sometimes you just have to learn to love where you're at. (dangit. ended a sentence with a preposition. sounds catchy, so I ain't changing it.) This should be interesting.

 Heerrreee we go.